Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented
to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
FRANK LAUGHS
Scatter.
Party!
(Karen) We live in an age of no accountability.
Banks, celebrities, politicians.
"It weren't my fault, a big boy did it and ran away. "
Mea culpa.
It was my fault.
Not afraid you wear too much nowadays.
But now and again, you have to accept it was your fault.
Whatever happened, happened because of you.
And I know guilt is just God's way
of controlling us, reminding us that everything we do has consequences.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR
Fucking works, though.
Makes you sick to your stomach
knowing that something you've done could hurt someone else.
I wouldn't give you a hand shandy for counterfeit this bad.
Time was a forger took pride in his work.
Prat!
GENTLE KNOCK AT THE DOOR
DOOR OPENS
That for me?
Yeah.
Thought you could do with cheering up.
Come and give us a kiss.
Aw...
Whatever happens between you and Jamie, I'm here, yeah?
No sides.
Come on, you.
Say bye-bye to Auntie Karen.
Bye-bye.
GIGGLING
LAUGHING
What?
Look, if you two are a couple of dolly divers,
- don't you think it's time you came out? - We're not gay.
Yeah?
Prove it.
Thought not.
Can give you a list of names if you want.
No, no need.
It's all written on the bog walls of The Jockey toilets.
You did check that's not Stella's healthy eating money?
Oh, fuck.
You're all right, Liam's school.
- They want see you and Mum. - How?
Monica Gallagher?
Hologram to the stars?
Liam!
Your sister's gay.
And her butch mate, Max.
Heard you rattling about downstairs through the night, couldn't sleep again?
No.
Maybe you should take her out for a coffee or something?
I don't tell you how to run your marriage, Mum, do I?
Despite the obvious problems.
Paddy?
Paddy, I've got your tea.
Yeah, well, I've just...
Och...
Argh. Wait a minute.
HANDLE RATTLES
Thanks. I thought you were going out.
I changed my mind. SHE KICKS DOOR
Open the door. Open the fucking door.
How am I going to help you if you keep lying?
I'm dealing with it.
Jacking up in secret?
Argh!
Punch as many walls as you like.
If you think for one minute I'm going to leave you alone
to fucking kill yourself, then you've got another thing coming.
From now on, wherever you go, I go.
And if you want to shoot this shit into your system,
then at least, I'll be here to pick up the pieces.
DOOR SLAMS
They wouldn't call your parents in on a Saturday for touching a girl's breast.
Try again.
Imelda Ford got her arm stuck down the drain trying to get a CD she dropped.
Everyone... Hic!
Everyone took a little pee on her. It could be that.
Pissed on a girl?
- No, I faked it. - Story of my life.
When was this?
About three months ago.
Well, it's not that, is it?
It's not fair. That's everything I've ever done since I was, like, five.
- Right, you, get up, stand in the door. - What?
Stand in the door and turn around.
Right, anybody here heard that Liam's smoking at lunchtime, raise their hands.
Oh, very illuminating.
Anything to tell us, Liam?
All right. But it was just those two times I smoked,
and I only did it then cos I would have got a kicking if I didn't.
Oh, that's very helpful.
And this isn't toast, it's bread with a mild fucking suntan.
And what is that smell?
What?
It does pong. Like a haddock's codpiece.
- What do you expect? I'm a fishmonger. - Fishmonger's apprentice.
I'm earning a living.
Oh, gosh, Carl!
Fuck off, you're a vegetarian.
Norma... What are you doing later?
Well I thought I'd, er...
end starvation in Africa.
You know, broker a peace deal between Israel and Palestine. A light lun...
Whatever it is, no.
Good luck.
What?
Dave. My top's in the wash, mate, have you got a spare one?
Fuck's sake.
What are you doing?
Fresh air.
Oi!
I don't think so, young lady. Do you think I wouldn't notice a 20 missing?
I wouldn't have to if you actually paid us.
- You get paid. - You're talking pocket money. I'm 17.
Going on 13.
Keep your hands out of the fucking till.
Bit harsh.
You are the last person I would come to for advice on mothering.
And take them off, you look like Ozzy fucking Osbourne.
She doesn't mean anything by it.
She enjoys it.
The only reason she had us was to push us around.
That's not true. It's not easy being a mam.
Come to ours for a brew. Your oestrogen's pumping.
Don't you mean adrenalin?
No, love, that's for headaches.
- Can I give you a hand? - No.
Well, have you got any change for the bandit, then?
We're not open yet.
Oh, go on, it'll keep me out your hair.
What do you think?
Get all that stuff down to the cellar for us, would you?
- My shift doesn't start for five minutes. - All right, mate?
Yeah.
Pass me one of them, please.
Get it your fucking self.
Excuse me. I am half crippled here.
And you're always going to be if you sit on your arse and get served.
Bye, Rog, love. Regards to the missus.
Yes, love? Can I help you?
Can I come in, please, lady?
Rodney!
Hiya, Mam.
Jamie, lager's off.
I'm on my break.
- It's lunchtime. - And I get a statutory 30 minutes.
Not any more, you don't.
You what?
You're sacked. Go and find somewhere else to work.
Says who?
Karen Maguire, licensee.
How long have you been planning this?
I could ask you the same question.
You may be the licensee, Karen, but if memory serves,
it's less than 12 months since both our names
- went on the mortgage for this shitehole. - So?
So you're going to have to buy me out.
Bollocks.
Where am I going to find 40 grand?
Not my problem.
But if you don't find a buyer, I will.
Last warning, Wurzel.
Wind in your pop eyes, or I'm off.
It's just distracting, seeing you in Monica's gear.
Well, I don't have owt mumsy in my wardrobe.
I'd hardly call that mumsy.
Eyes front!
What if they ask us about...
- date of birth, middle names? - Make it up. I do, no one ever notices.
- What's his teacher's name? - Who the fuck am I, Magnus Magnusson?
Mr and Mrs Gallagher?
Do you want to come through?
Have a good long soak, son.
- So? What's the story in Balamory? - He seems different.
No, I mean the very fact that you've got a son
has just come in on the wires for most of us.
He never saw eye-to-eye with Brendan. As soon as he was 16 he were out the door,
off to London, streets paved with gold and all that.
- Teenage runaway? - No, he didn't run away.
I tossed him out by the scruff of the neck.
- There were a lot of violence, you see. - Tough on him, was he, Brendan?
No, I used to batter lumps out of the pair of them. Always bickering.
Keep up, will you?
I suppose I could have had more patience.
And been more understanding.
- Teenagers are hard work, Lillian. - This could be my second chance.
Oi, gropey. Mitts off.
I was only trying to help.
Well, don't fucking bother.
Job's already taken.
I asked her.
What?
She doesn't take any shit, and you indulge me.
I indulge you?
Just for a couple of hours a day.
It'll take the pressure off. I'll pay her myself.
Your private 17-year-old masseuse?
I've got my eye on you.
If I lose The Jockey, I lose everything.
My home, my job. My future.
Have you tried the bank? Your mum?
"Hiya, not spoken to you for nigh on two years.
"Lend us 40 grand, would you?"
He's such a prick.
Yeah, but he's your prick.
You don't have to go through with it just to save face.
Marriage is more important than that.
That's exactly why I do have to go through with it.
If he's prepared to just walk, am I supposed to fight to keep him?
Carl, I will give you money not to come in here when you smell like that.
It's my job!
You cannot give in.
It's my marriage.
If you back down now,
you'll be pussy-whipped for the rest of your days.
She'll be wearing the trousers, and you'll be "her indoors".
I just don't want wounded pride to paint us into a corner, that's all.
Listen, let me tell you something about women, mate.
The only reason they challenge you is so that you'll put them in their place.
It's primal. They want you to master them. That's why you've got the balls.
So how come she holds this licensee thing like a sword over my head?
Just telling you the way it is, mate.
We recently ran tests to identify pupils with natural leadership qualities.
And Liam's score was off the scale.
Maths, IT, English.
He's at least two years ahead of his peers.
With your permission, we'd like to suggest Liam
for the Kofi Annan multifaith accelerated learning scheme.
- Right. - Right.
Based in Caracas, it is an educational charity...
running intensive academic workshops for kids from all over Europe.
Interviews start tomorrow,
with a three-month residential end of the year. Oh!
Children who complete this programme often go on to top universities,
well-paid jobs. I've got a brochure.
Timetable of classes, past student record. I can arrange an interview for you,
if you like.
Any questions?
Um...how much does it cost?
Given Mr Gallagher's health issues...
Gulf War Syndrome, isn't it?
Yeah. Bonfire night, I'm in bits.
Well, you'd be eligible for a 100% bursary.
Travel, hotels, expenses.
If you don't mind me saying, you don't seem particularly enthused.
No, no, we're just...
overwhelmed.
Aren't we, love?
Bye, then. Good luck.
I said no touching.
# La Cucaracha
# La Cucaracha... #
That's not Venezuelan, it's Mexican.
So? It's all Spanish.
Ow! It could be broke, you know.
Good. I've scrubbed myself raw, and I can still feel your clammy hand on us.
Anyway, we can't afford it.
I thought it were paid for.
I'm talking about clothes, suitcases, phone cards for when he's away.
It won't be that much, Debs. I could chip in.
No! He can't just get cos he wants.
Er, easy there, less-than-supernanny. This is a chance for the kid.
To do what? Show off?
Make himself a target?
How do you even know they're going to look after him?
I thought it would be good fun.
Yeah, Debs, he's up for it.
Education is a right, not a privilege.
My sainted mother fought all her days for that.
Hey, we are exercising our right to give the kid a good start.
Well, he's still gonna have to get through the interview.
Debs!
KNOCKING
Come in.
Do you want to tell me what this is all about?
What?
With Liam.
"We can't afford it. Will he be safe? Will he be spoilt?"
That is not like you.
Well, maybe it should be.
We never got chances. We were bright.
- I wasn't. - I was.
Year 5, week's trip to Lisbon to look at tiles,
or cork, or something, I can't remember.
I could have gone free, but Mum and Dad lost the form.
By the time they admitted it, it was too late.
- So Liam shouldn't get to go on this? - Year 9.
Two weeks in Russia for history.
Oh, no parents available for signature.
Year 9? You could have forged it.
That's not the point!
You know what?
Fair enough. You're right.
Why should he get to go to Venezuela? Selfish bastard.
What'll you do now?
I've had enough of London.
I'll stay up here for a bit, I reckon.
Sleep rough at first, but get on my feet in a year or two.
Stay here for a bit.
I wouldn't want to impose.
You wouldn't be.
I owe you that at least.
Yeah, I suppose you do.
Might find a girlfriend, settle down.
Are you already set up?
What was it you used to say?
Ever want a girlfriend, get down to the blind school.
What's the point of telling him he's Brad Pitt
when there's a mirror in the house?
So you've never had a girlfriend?
32 and still got me cherry.
Kelly, love.
Don't worry if it's over quick. Everyone's the same first time.
Oh!
SQUEALING
Not a fan of London, then?
Not as such!
INTENSE SQUEALING
What did you do to earn a crust?
Worked at the palace as a footman. Then I were a bouncer at Stringfellow's.
This ain't doing it for me.
Mind if we do doggy?
# Would I lie to you?
# Don't you know it's true, girl There's no-one else but you
# Would I lie to you baby, yeah? #
I found it in a skip.
Fish. Fishmonger.
Cool. Nice one.
Have a drink?
Drink, dovelet?
Yeah.
Karen? Pint of lemonade, large voddy, one for the wife.
No fella?
Work.
Feathering his nest?
Eh?
Putting the hours in. Getting ready for kiddies.
Bit soon for this chat, Mam.
Nobody knows what's in the future, Mandy.
Take your happiness while you can.
Front of the queue when they dished out dobbers, weren't you?
I didn't think blokes could get a stiffy while having a wee.
Yeah, well, they probably didn't have a pretty girl holding them
when they did that experiment.
I'm sure my son can manage that on his own.
He would be doing it if he could.
Do you think you could shake it off a little bit next time, please?
Mam.
I'm just taking a piss, for fuck's sake.
And I'm just keeping you company.
Karen, do us a favour.
Have Katie with you tonight. Joe's coming over.
Course.
Cheers.
Hello?
Get done for that.
Polite society, we usually wait until they're conscious.
- I wasn't doing owt. - Whatever.
- Look, wait... - Don't bother me if you're a flamer.
I'm not.
I've got a lump.
On me balls.
I was just checking to see that Carl's was the same.
You didn't think to wait till he's awake and ask him?
It's not the sort of thing lads talk about, is it?
Plus, I'm barred from me GP's.
What's it like, this lump?
A pea.
No, gristle.
Like a ball of dead hard snot.
Where?
Sort of like... Well, you can have a feel if you want.
I'll pass, ta.
It's probably nothing.
But tomorrow, straight down to t'medical centre, get it checked.
- Fuck's sake. - Ssh.
- Where's Mandy? - She's asleep.
What you doing?
No way. Get out.
Come on.
You want it just as much as I do.
She's my best mate. I can't.
(You can.)
BARKING
Karen?
RETCHING
Cheers, Mum.
Fuck the tea.
I carried you in my belly for nine months
and wiped your arse for years after.
I have a right to insist on being heard.
If you love her, if you love her,
don't be steamrollered to the point of no return by your mates,
or by that stupid stubborn streak you've had in you since you were knee high.
If there's something in your marriage worth fighting for, then do it.
And you were right with your smart-arse comments
about problems in my marriage.
That's why you see me padding up and down here
like a fucking tea lady-cum-night nurse.
Because there's something worth fighting for.
Stop moping around like a big fanny.
Sort your head out. Make a decision.
That's all.
Right. OK.
This is as far as I go, son.
Parents got to make themselves scarce, you know.
See how you cope under the scrutinising eye of the examiner.
It's not an exam. It's an interview.
Yeah, I know. I'm just...
Why the long face? Said the jockey.
Look, son. You've got a chance to do something interesting.
If you get it, great. If not, fuck it.
Excuse me.
What?
Yes, that was the F word.
Used as an active verb in an idiomatic context.
God! I loved this place.
Taught me a lot.
You went to uni?
Well, not exactly. I was about your age, a bit older maybe.
Began me education here.
Broadened me horizons.
Yeah, I learned the value of books.
Spent a lot of time in the library.
What about Debbie?
Look, she'll support you, son.
She's just going through a cranky...
decade.
I'll be around, yeah?
Fuck me!
I'll be in the lecture hall, Frank. Sure you'll be all right, son?
Yeah.
Becoming quite the reader, aren't you?
So, Liam, why do you think you should get this chance?
Dunno.
You've been recommended by your school. Must be clever?
Suppose.
Why is education important in society, Liam?
How could I collect? His dog kept trying to shag me leg.
Had its lipstick out and everything. It was massive.
The dog, or his lipstick?
The dog.
Not good enough, Mickey. Men not fit to wipe my arse laughing at us.
It's time to let them know I'm back
in town.
So, love of my life, how do I look?
Like on our wedding day.
I won't let you down.
Thought I'd come for the ride.
Grand.
Relax.
Look.
Your leg, it's moving!
How good am I?
Did you have much contact when he were in London?
First couple of years.
I was so proud of him working in the Prime Minister's office at 18.
Thought it were the palace?
Palace? Don't be soft.
What's going on?
It's, um...massage oil.
I can move my leg.
No, enough. Twice is plenty for one morning.
What? I'm the boss's son.
Not slow out of the blocks, is he?
For someone who's just broke his duck.
Come on.
Thank you.
And the small sweetener we discussed.
Ever disrespect this family,
and I'll hunt you down and chop off your cock with a rusty blade.
Do you fucking hear me?
HE GROANS
Now fuck off!
Yes. I think we've seen enough, Liam. Thank you.
- What in the name...? - Sorry, sir.
This man's been apprehended stealing from the library.
Says his son's being interviewed here.
It's all a mistake, kid.
- What did he steal? - A book.
I didn't steal it. I liberated it.
Knowledge shouldn't be kept under lock and key.
Give it back, Dad.
Where is the book?
The Joy Of Sex?
It's a standard text.
An intelligent sex manual that is serious without being solemn.
If you're not going to put him on the programme because of this, it's your loss.
How much difference is it gonna make for some kid
who gets dropped off at a grammar school in a 4x4 every morning?
An experience like this could change Liam's life.
He hasn't exactly set the heather on fire.
Education, from the Latin "educare",
is important in society because more than money, more than status or wealth,
it frees a person from the physical circumstances of their life
and lets them come to their own opinion of the world.
And you can stop looking down your noses at us,
because education isn't a gift for you to give or hold back.
And if I don't get it here, I'll... get it somewhere else!
You were doing so good up until that last bit.
Can we talk?
Please?
About what?
Everything.
Before it's too late.
I hope you don't mind, but we brought our own.
- Celebrating? - Hmm. A toast.
To?
Me. Your new partner.
No fucking way.
He offered.
He's my boyfriend. What was I gonna do, not tell him?
You're buying me out?
I was gonna ring, but Mandy thought it better face-to-face.
You wanted out. He's got cash.
- What the fuck do you get out of it? - It's a little estate.
Pubs can earn a mint as long as they're run right.
Well, we don't want it.
I'm afraid it's not up to you.
Jamie?
Does my name go on the licence?
It's yours, mate.
Jamie!
Don't worry, Karen. I promise to be more of a...sleeping partner.
How could The Joy Of Sex mean a lot to you?
Don't jump to conclusions, smartarse.
Something profound happened.
WOMAN GASP AND GROANS
Was it Gran?
Wash your mouth out! No.
It was just...two horny students avoiding their revision.
It was an epiphany.
It made me realise that there's more to life than books.
That's what books taught me.
OK, will do.
Apparently, you can go.
Oh, great.
What about...?
I wouldn't hold your breath.
Come on, son.
What did the doctor say?
Well...
Mickey, for fuck's sake!
Yeah, it's, er...
Fuck off!
I'm an auxiliary nurse. I've seen more cocks than George Michael's Jacuzzi.
Ah! Bit of delicacy!
Nowt on that one.
Mickey, those DVDs are shit... Fucking hell.
- It's not what it looks like. - No.
You might want to close the door.
Look what you've done now!
Me?
- Thinks we're at it! - Fuck off.
There is no lump, is there?
I'm not a poof.
Argh! All right! But if Carl knows owt he'll suss I've been looking at his knob.
As knobs go, I've had worse.
You've had him?
I'm confused.
How come?
I don't know if I've got a semi-on cos I'm thinking about Carl,
- or cos you're fondling me bollocks. - Oh!
(Mickey) Feel that's what we've got.
Un-re-quitted lust.
I've had mine re quit ed. Could do with a bit more requiting.
You sure about this story?
Yes.
Let me know if I'm being a gooseberry.
She was wanking me off.
Needed a few quid. Nurses' pay is shite.
I didn't enjoy it.
Me neither.
- He's a good-looking lad. - Yeah, he is.
Christ, he smells like an hooker's gusset.
I thought we were gonna gip.
THEY LAUGH
I was trying to help.
Next time, don't bother.
Can't win with you.
If I help you're in a strop. If I don't you're still in a strop.
You of all people should know the shit that you've just dropped me in.
Meaning what?
Meaning Joe's gonna be on me fucking back.
Just like he's on yours.
Don't dare insult me by denying it again.
We're out of tonic. I'll pop out and get some.
Mimo.
What?
I need time on my own.
HE GROANS
I thought I could do this, but my head's exploding and...
I need some relief. Just ten minutes is all I'm asking.
Do it, then.
But I'll be there.
I didn't want this.
I know.
I had no choice.
Hush now.
Forgive me.
I already have.
It's all her fault.
Should never have fell for her.
She did this.
She did this...
(Voice echoes) She did this.... She... She...
She... She did this...
Squeeze.
Go on, hard.
- Harder, now really go for it. - Don't fucking think so!
- Just doing his exercises. - I'll exercise your fucking face!
Kel, no!
Look, me hand.
I can...I can move it.
Not sure whether to hug you or hack you to bits, fucking tramp.
I got no pleasure out of it.
"Hard. Harder!"
- It was a bit of encouragement. - She did fix my hand, Kel.
Get him walking again, I'll double what he's paying you.
But no shagging. Groping strictly with clothes on.
Sound.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Looking for Rodney Tyler.
Thought you might like this.
You don't look too happy for a man who's just been given 40 grand.
Just never thought it would come to this.
It's what she wanted, mate.
Look after her, will you?
Shit!
Butterfingers.
Last night - fucking ace, or what?
It never happened.
She's me best mate.
Her little girl in my room while I fuck her bloke.
What sort of a cunt does that make me?
The best sort.
Wet.
It stops now.
This...belongs to me now.
End of.
LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND
(Kelly) Pensioners!
In Wigan! Think they'd have enough misery in their lives living in Wigan
wi'out you robbing them of their life savings!
- How could you, Rodney? - It's all a misunderstanding, Mum...
Don't even fucking go there! And you?
Might have told me that the fucking Elephant Man here were a pathological liar
before I took him upstairs and humped him.
- He said he'd changed. - That's what liars fucking do!
I should go.
- Thanks for not turning us in. - Don't try the pathetic act with me
or you'll have your bollocks for paperweights.
Wait. I can't see you out in t'street empty-handed.
- Are you mental? - I have a responsibility as a mother.
Nice one, man.
You are one soft touch, Lillian.
It's the counterfeits.
- What? - The forged bank notes.
I have a responsibility. I can't have him going round robbing old ladies.
As soon as he starts to spend that, he'll get lifted.
You crafty cow!
I'm doing it because I have to, not because it makes me happy.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Can I come in?
Hand-delivered it.
Open it, then.
I'll burn it, you know...if you want.
Why would I want you to do that, idiot?
Cos you're scared I'm gonna go away, get a big head and never come back.
No, I pray for that every night! I'm so proud of you, Liam.
You open it.
You got it!
You got in!
Carl! Ian! He got it! He got in!
- Dad! - What?
No way.
Yes!
(Karen) We're always happy in life, always,
to accept responsibility and plaudits for the good things that happen.
But when it comes to the bad,
we start casting around for whose fault it is.
My advice? Have a look in the fucking mirror.
We're each responsible for our own actions and the consequences that result.
It's a 21st-century disease, avoiding responsibility.
Well, not me.
Mea culpa...mea culpa.
Mea maxima culpa. And let the chips fall where they may.
So Geri, this is what you really want, is it not?
Yes, Frank. Really... Really....
Good.
Cos I'm only on page 23.
SHE GROANS WITH PLEASURE
NORMA GASPS
Oh! Bastard!
GROANS